Venting Is Good For The Soul

Overwhelmed. I feel overwhelmed. Do you ever feel like there is so much chaos in your life and you can't even figure out how to calm everything down and straighten up the mess? I feel out of control. I am frustrated, angry, sad, excited, curious and OVERWHELMED.



There is so much happening right now and I just need to write it out and maybe, just maybe I can sort through the thin of thick things. I heard that phrase two weeks in a row at church. "Immersed in the thin of thick things..." It was a talk by President Monson in the October conference. I liked it. Sometimes we worry about things that just don't matter. I need to sort through the things that just don't matter right now, and get to the meat of life.



I know I have phone calls to return. I just can't remember who called. I know they left messages and I said to myself that I would call them back later. Is three weeks later too late? The guilt eats me up, and then I feel like an idiot for letting time get away from me.



Work is stressing me out. Tax season is always a bear. But, I get through it and pretty much collapse in April. This year seems a bit different. The phones are ringing off the hook and everyone is antsy for this or that. I think it is the economy. I think people are so stressed, anxious, worried and upset that they take those emotions and manifest it in everything they do. Taking out on me is one way a lot of people have been manifesting their pain. I get phone calls about how wrong I did things. I am the reason their W2's are wrong. I took out too much taxes, or not enough. Those things have nothing to do with me. Don't kill the messenger. I have almost walked on several occasions, which is something I would never do, but the thought does creep in from time to time.



Jeff's work schedule makes it difficult for us to ever get to spend time together. Some days I feel like I am living alone. In the evenings, I don't even talk to anyone for hours at a time. I get home from work and I try and make something to eat. I pack Jeff's lunch for the next day and then fix a plate for myself. Eating alone is no fun. There is no dinner conversation, just me and my plate of food. After dinner, I usually do a load or two of laundry and try and clean up the dinner mess. My evenings are very lonely. Last night Jeff got home at 11:30 and I was already half asleep. I have probably seen him a total of 3 hours all week.



Looking for a house is nuts. People say it is a strain on relationships. I can attest to that. We have looked at so many houses and I like one thing, Jeff doesn't like another. I think a house is darling and he thinks it is nice, but not in a great area. I finally told him to pick houses in a great area and I will pick my favorites. He took that as me saying he was being too controlling. That wasn't it at all. I just didn't want to get attached to a house only to have him pop my balloon. We finally told our agent we need to regroup and figure out exactly what we want.



This whole trying to get pregnant thing is almost too much and I am just getting started. I think it is just with everything else going on this is too much for me. I finished taking my pills. This morning I was supposed to take my first ovulation test. Who knew a little pee stick could tell you so much? I don't know what I was expecting. There was very little chance the stick would tell me I was fertile. But, when I checked and that second line was barely visible, I was crushed! I tried to tell myself it is only the first day. I have six more chances, and even then, I can buy another kit and test for seven more days. I think it was more disheartening because for the last 4 months my body has been out of whack and I thought I was pregnant. I was sick to my stomach every month waiting for the results. I hated seeing the results of the tests- always negative. I was going to keep this whole process to myself, but the overwhelming stress and my own thoughts were affecting everything in my life. Writing them out makes it just a tiny bit better.



I need to rollover my Roth IRA. The company I am with now is a joke. Three weeks ago I requested funds for a down payment on a house, which is penalty and tax free from a Roth. As of today, they still hadn't sent the check. I called and got into a heated argument with the representative who told me I didn't have enough money to withdraw anything. Even though the amount I was allowed to withdraw was more than the amount I wanted to withdraw. I was livid. No one had contacted me to tell me this, they just didn't send me my money. Even when I called to withdraw the funds weeks ago they told me it wouldn't be a problem. I had to compose myself before I wrote a nice, but firm letter closing my account.



I feel like the clients who call me and are looking for someone to blame, someone to fix everything. All the bottled up emotions are being manifested in everything around me. I've had people tell me that if I have enough faith, or if I am reading my scriptures, praying and going to the temple everything will work out. I know all of that and I believe all of that. It's just that sometimes we need to experience these things. We need to feel every emotion. It's what we do with our emotions that determines how we get through it. The Atonement is not just for our sins, but our heartaches and our pains. I love that about the Atonement. Christ felt everything we feel. He understands. We can talk and talk and talk to our girlfriends about all our troubles. They can commiserate, but they don't always understand. Christ understands- he felt everything for me.