It Is Not Up To Me

The other day I was driving to work. I started thinking about my life when I was 16. I remember I had plans for my life at 16. I KNEW what my life would be like at 35. I would be married at 21 to a tall, dark, handsome man. He would be incredibly successful in his career, we would own a nice home and have 6 children. I would be a stay at home mom, but still have my degree in Elementary Education. Life was going to be wonderful.

Then, I was 21. I had decided by that point that Elementary Education was NOT for me. I couldn't stand other people's kids. I wasn't even remotely dating, and I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I thought OK, by the time I am 35, I can still have the amazing husband and house and 4-5 kids.

25 rolled around. I still had no prospects for marriage. I was still lost as far as what I wanted to do with my life. But, I still held out the hope that Mr. Right would come along, and my dream of 3-4 kids would be realized.

When I turned 30, I was devastated. I had been in one bad relationship after another. I had come to the realization at the age of 28 that I might not ever get married. I had gone back to school and gotten my Accounting degree. I had a great job, I was living with Matt and Heather and their kids. I was traveling and buying things and doing things that I wanted. But, that wasn't enough for me. My 16 year old heart's desire was to be a wife and mother. I couldn't understand why my righteous desire wasn't happening for me. 

As I look back on those times in my life (since I will be 35 next week), I realize that at the time, it felt like the end of the world. I wanted things to happen when I wanted them to happen. The Lord knows me and what I need. He gives me what I need, not what I want. When I was 30, I was so blessed, but I didn't see it all the time. I had a great relationship with my brother and sister-in-law. I had an amazing relationship with Devin and Lauryn. I had more than a lot of other people had. Yet, I complained and complained that I didn't have a husband.

When I think about the Lord's timing, I am amazed. Jeff was so shy around girls that he didn't even go on his first date until he was 30 ( I was 28), he dated a few girls but none seemed to interest him. He was inactive and had a desire to return to church, but had yet to do it. When he was 34 (I was 32), he finally had the true desire to return to church. He also didn't want to go to the older single's ward. He still wanted to be married and be married in the temple. He searched on the Internet for his true love- the woman who would push him to be better. He was giving eHarmony one last chance.

At that point, I was giving the Internet one last chance. I reactivated my eHarmony account two days before Jeff did. For two days I did not have a single match. Then, I was matched with Jeff and the rest is history.

My sixteen year old self could not have imagined this life. I am 9 days shy of 35. I am married to the most amazing, caring, loving man. He isn't tall, dark and handsome. He is blond, tall enough for me and the most beautiful man I know. We don't own a big, fancy house, but we own a modest, nice, clean (when I clean it) town home. We love our home. We don't have 6 kids, but we have 11 nieces and nephews whom we adore. We teach 9 year olds in Primary and we love them so much. We are growing spiritually with every lesson we prepare. Our lives are so blessed in ways we can't even begin to know. If I could go back and talk to the 16 year old idealist, I would tell her to be patient. The Lord knows her and will bless her beyond her wildest dreams.